Warrior's Soul

A writing I found a year ago and adapted to fit where I was at the time.  A story too personal to tell, but maybe it will help someone to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  -TC

Warrior's Soul

I've felt alone most of my life...

So few I've allowed to be close to me, fearing they would betray me or somehow be taken away from me.

Anything precious to me I would keep at bay... never allowing anything that could potentially hurt me to stay with me.

"I Love You"

Those words... when I meant them... could've meant the end of me if none replied in kind... or so I thought.

My children are my world and for them I will travel to the furthest regions of hell... never will they be alone... and God willing... never will they be like their father.

My wife... my love... my soul mate... the one I've hurt and ran from... the one I've neglected and lied to... the one I've hurt because the fear told me she could hurt me... I fell back in love with her the day she said she didn't love me... after months upon months of neglect... and of being alone.

I turn to God when I'm at rock bottom... from depressions it was Him who carried me out... upon reaching the surface again I turned my back on His love and allowed my demons to overtake me in the form of another disease... of anger... and doubt... spritually beat new demons gain hold and grow within me... determined to rock me to my core.

Now I stand... on the verge of defeat once again... and again... with my tail between my legs... I turn to my Lord... the one who would never leave me... no matter how hard I pushed...

Deep inside my heart there has always been love... locked away from the world... "protected" by a fool hearted guard stealing it's sunlight... preventing it from growth...

At first my prayer was in panic... I was losing my wife and I needed Him to stop her... change her heart for me... bring her back to me.

She is still here... but in the physical sense only... so far away...

So I search... I read... and pray... and slip... and pray... and ask... and pray...

... for clarity... strength... salvation... instruction... protection... peace... and love... I pray for love... for the ability to love... to receive love... to learn to love... and to live with love... to feel God's love...

Will my marriage last? God willing...

5 mintues ago I spent a pathetic 10 minutes grilling her with useless question and useless question... will she love me? Will she leave me?

Blah blah blah...

And here I am... praying while I type... with no story to tell... just fingers typing... no structure... but I have prayer... and I have faith...

The patience will come in time... I need it to come in time...

I pray for help... in becoming the man I believe I can be... I pray for knowledge of His will and the strength to carry it out...

This is where I am right now... once again at rock bottom... but looking for the light to guide me out...